At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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