Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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