You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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