if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
