The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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