getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
