Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
