im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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