we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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