Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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