I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
