I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Randomize
