You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Randomize
