My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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