he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
