I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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