they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
