I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize