I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
