puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize