i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
