god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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