Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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