so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I got inside last night via doggy door
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
