What a fucking waste of an outfit
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
