I wish I only lived at night.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
