never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
