I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
