i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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