we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
