i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
