I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
