She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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