I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
