he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
