I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
