You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
