be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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