If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
