Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
