And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
