Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
