i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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