I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We just shotgunned beers for America
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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