pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize