he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i want to swaddle you in tequila
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
