i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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