how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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