My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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