Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
