Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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