Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
this is an emotional support booty call
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
