From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
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