Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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