Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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