I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
