please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
