i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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