There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize