dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
